1. Your feet will never be clean… No matter how hard you scrub.
2. TukTuk drivers are incapable of telling the truth – either about distance or price or location or gradient of road.
3. Apu never charged Homer Simpson cold tax on his Duff beer… I grew up disillusioned!! (One even tried to cold tax my ice cream – until Jayne asked for a warm one!).
4. As a white westerner, you could go out naked or in a burka and the locals would still look at you in the same way.
5. Deluxe hotel doesn’t equal hot water…
6. Or wifi…
7. Or cleanliness.
8. You will pay at least 10x the amount for any entrance fee as a tourist.
9. Delhi belly is inevitable… Embrace it with Limca!
10. Personal space is a fantasy.
11. Private buses come in a wide variety… And paying more doesn’t mean better quality or comfort.
12. Getting up earlier than your neighbour (shop owner or house keeper), means you can brush the rubbish in front of their door to sort out.
13. Bins are what you put your rubbish next to.
14. You are every shop keepers ‘friend’ or ‘sister’.
15. And when they saw you yesterday, you promised you’d go into their shop today (even if you have just arrived in town).
16. Getting out of a bus or train station through the mass of TukTuk drivers should be an ironman challenge… Or an Olympic event.
17. You are ‘aunty’ to every child in the country.
18. Chai tastes better from street vendors than it does in hotels.
19. Don’t look at the chai pots or you won’t drink it.
20. Bus stand street food is the best and freshest street food you’ll find.
21. Pharmacies are a hypochondriacs dream, and have everything to sort out any kind of diseases.
22. Piracy is a crime… But it’s bloody cheap and will save the day when you just want to watch an English film!
23. If you’re in a ‘traffic jammy’, it is perfectly acceptable to steal goods from the truck in front.
24. On a bus, there is always room for one more person…
25. If you wake up wanting to kill someone, don’t leave the hotel room!!! It only gets worse when you go outside…
26. Crossing the road is 2% looking both ways, 4% bravery and 94% crossing your fingers and hoping for the best!!!
27. On a completely empty bus, the next passenger to get on will always sit next to you.
28. It is free to look…
29. But you are a ‘nasty’ tourist if you don’t look in their shop!
30. Cows can, and do, attack!
31. Bus conductors are the nicest, most helpful people you will ever met – unless they’re a woman… Then it’s a camera in your face and a wrong bus!
32. Eyeliner on babies… You never get used to seeing it!
33. Jayne and I on a seat equals 4 Indian women on a seat…
34. 25km per hour on any form of transport is fast.
35. Someone is always sick on a public bus… Chose your seat carefully… And preferably near the front to avoid splash back through the open windows!
36. Standing on a street corner with your arm out trying to get a vehicle to stop is perfectly acceptable.
37. Everyone thinks you are nuts for walking anywhere – even just to cross the road.
38. Eating with your hands gets easier but the temptation to lick your fingers never leaves.
39. Temples are beautiful – but you do begin comparing them to each other eventually.
40. Indian museums have some of the best mis-translated signs ever.
41. Your mouth might get used to the spices but your belly will never get used to the bacteria.
42. A hot shower is what dreams are made of.
43. Trains run on a approximate schedule.
44. Buses run on a precise schedule – even if it means travelling at speed!!
45. Monkeys are evil – and they know what they want from your bag.
46. For a country that never sleeps, the airports have opening and closing times.
47. Beer after altitude trekking is never a good idea.
48. The Indian head bob is a dangerous move for non-native Hindu speakers.
49. Indian time varies across the states – 5 minutes could mean 1 minute in one state and over an hour in another. Be prepared to run at a moments notice.
50. It is called incredible India for a reason… But it will, at times, be incredibly tiring!
Grabbed our bags and made our way to the State Water Transport Boat jetty. 
We had been told that the boat would leave at 9.30am so we were both feeling a bit nervous when 9.25am rolled by and there was no sign of a local ferry… Needn’t have worried. 
At 9.27am, the boat turned up, unloaded its passengers, turned around, we got on board and at 9.30am it was on its way to Kottayam! The journey across Vembanad Lake was peaceful and intriguing. 
We were able to see some close-up village life as the boat zigzagged its way through the backwaters from island jetty to island jetty. It was a very scenic and leisurely way to get between the two towns, taking nearly two and a half hours to go 25km.
There were some stunning water plants in full bloom that the backwater birds used to nest in and I spotted a water snake amongst the greenery. 
Arrived at the temporary alighting point (as they are building a bridge over the canal and have a floating pontoon blocking the canal) were we were offered a TukTuk to take us the rest of the way to Kottayam for an extortionate price. 
Fortunately, the boat conductor had told us that we could walk up the road for 200m and catch a local bus which we did after being told by the TukTuk driver that we weren’t allowed on the bus as it was for ‘locals only’. Arrived in town and managed to find our way on a bus that was leaving for Kumily, 50 minutes before it was due to depart! Gave us time to organise our stuff, go to the toilet and get drinks/snacks before heading off on the four hour trip back up into the mountains. Jayne watched a film on her iPad whilst I enjoyed the view as we meandered a lot slower up the hillside than our bus yesterday. Still a few hairy moments when the only thing between us and the bottom of the cliff was a few blades of grass but this bus driver at least had the decency to pay attention to the road and its bovine obstacles!! Arrived in Kumily and were immediately greeted as we got off the bus by a guesthouse man trying to get us to book with him. Amusingly, it was the guesthouse that we had already made a reservation for and, once we told him this, he insisted on walking us to the guesthouse, talking to us along the way about the coffee, tea and pepper plantations in the village. Arrived at the guesthouse, checked in, dumped our bags in the room and headed up to the roof terrace to drink local coffee and get a sales pitch about the walking tours offered by the guesthouse in the nearby Periyar Wildlife Sanctuary. Since we have five nights here, they weren’t too pushy when we said we wanted to think about it and we sat watching the sunset. After it got dark, there was a stream of bats flying across the roof of the guesthouse, apparently returning to the grape plantations to spend the night. It was quite magical watching thousands of massive bats fly overhead for about 30 minutes, all in a narrow lane rather than spread out across the night sky. Went to the nearby restaurant for dinner, where I had the nicest cucumber salad (I’ve been craving cucumbers for ages!!) and Jayne got a hot & spicy pizza (which was hot but not spicy!!). Got into bed to discover that the bed was perfect for us as a couple – Jayne’s side was really soft and my side was really hard. Hopefully we’ll both get the good nights sleep we desperately need!!
Watched ‘Tangled’ on the iPad to try and distract ourselves as the driver spent more time chatting to the conductor rather than keeping his eyes on the road. He, very kindly, stopped for a while in a bus station so Jayne could use the toilet before he continued driving in his manic way, over taking TukTuks to then cut them up immediately afterwards when he slammed on his breaks to stop to let off or collect passengers. Arrived three hours later, miraculously in one piece, in Alappuzha and made our way to the guest house down the road from the bus station. 
Dumped our bags and headed out to check the ferry schedule for the next day before jumping in a TukTuk to take us to the beach. Had heard that Kerala beaches were supposed to outshine the Goa ones, we found this one to be quite dirty and disappointing.
However, it had sea, sun and sand which is all we really wanted after two days of travelling. We walked up and down the coastline watching locals get very wet as they paddled (fully clothed) into the water, mis-timing the waves and getting soaked from head to toe. Watched a father try to help his young daughter jump over the waves, only to drop his phone and then her trousers, which got washed away. Grabbed an ice lolly as we walked back into town, passing by a car park that had a cricket match going on whilst a group of ladies were learning to ride scooters. Was interesting when one of the women had trouble turning and ended up in the middle of the cricket match. Back in town, we got some dinner before returning to the guesthouse to use the wifi and head to bed.
Trans Travels 